I've been having a bit of a weird time lately. I haven't really done much this week but I finally settled my thoughts on a number of important things that have been plaguing me. I've been in a real state of flux over the last month or so; I finished my MA, left university and moved home but about three weeks before I handed in my dissertation my boyfriend ended our relationship very abruptly and cancelled our plans to go travelling this September and October. It was a real shock and I was left with the responsibility of cancelling all of our plans, as well being owed just shy of £500. He initially agreed to pay me back as well as to send me all the belongings he had of mine (because for whatever reason he had decided he wouldn't be seeing me again) but he then went on to slowly but surely cut off all contact with me - ignoring my calls and emails, blocking me from Facebook and he hasn't done any of the things he said he would. I have to admit, at first I was absolutely devastated. It was very painful to feel so much for someone who had, overnight, unilaterally decided to cut me out of their life and to treat me so disrespectfully. However, with the passing of this last month and with all the other big changes that are going on in my life I'm actually feeling like I'm in not only in a good place but that I'm finally in the right place. Today, I feel as though I can completely let go of the relationship, but I have to admit that it is actually much harder to let go of the money. It makes me sad that I feel like this but it is so much to lose right when I'm having to start thinking about paying back my student debt and am out of work and education without any income. All of this will be dealt with in due course, I'm sure, but it has been a massive distraction in my life over the last five weeks or so, and it has wasted so much of my energy at a time when I really need to be thinking creatively about what I want to be doing with my life.
At the moment I'm just happy to be letting go of all the anger I felt about being discarded by someone who claimed that they loved me. Anger is such a waste of energy and time and I'm really working towards letting it all go. We all make mistakes, and sometimes the biggest mistakes we make are the people we choose to surround ourselves with. My way of coping has been to throw myself into the loving and supportive relationships I have with my friends and family, and to distract myself with the hobbies I love. This week has been a particularly wonderful week of distractions. I spent some wonderful time with my family (the photos in this post were taken with my dad at Chiswick house) and I also had the opportunity to see Brian Aldiss (an author I really admire and respect) speak at an event at Foyles. These two specific moments really stand out to me, but among them are countless others that warm my heart - and if there is anything that we should luxuriate in it then surely it should be our happiness. It's so easy to think that other people and their actions control how we feel. They certainly influence us, but I really do believe that at the end of everything you can reclaim yourself for yourself. I feel that recently I've let myself get a little lost. It is important to remember that our lives are so much more than the shadows that other people cast over us.
Today, I can safely say that I am actually very happy and I am also very excited to see the way my life is going to evolve in the coming weeks and months. It is this sort of positivity that I'm going to embrace because at the end of the day that is what is going to make my life happy. Personally, when I'm not happy I can't be creative with my days, with my work, or, ultimately, with my life as a whole. And because that would be too sore a loss for me to stomach, I guess happiness just has to be on the cards. I hope, very much, that is is on your cards too.