Starting my Voice

I realised recently that everything substantial that I write, everything that I find difficult to articulate, finally gets written in a flurry of last-moment energy right before I go to sleep. Even this, I wrote this after having turned off my lights, after thinking now is the right moment for sleep - and then, no, it has to be written now… So up I get and I write. 

I think I do this because I spend so much time of my waking life worrying about what the potential reader - which in this case is you - might think about me, and it stops my voice. I have to get to that point where I feel as though it is either now or never before I stop worrying and write, even if it is just for myself. 

I guess it is all about letting go, about not caring in the most constructive of ways. It's not that I don't care about what you think or me or what I'm saying, it's more that in that last moment of energy I care more about being able to finally express myself than about judgement. It's this reorganisation of priorities that liberates me. So what I realise I need is a way to lose this fear at will so that I can be more in control of my creativity. 

I spent years at University studying beautiful pieces of writing, and during that time I got to develop my own writing skills. As far as I've come and despite all the confidence I've gained, when it comes to writing my thoughts down I still feel the weight of comparative judgement that I level on myself. Like so many people do, I forget that my strengths and my successes are separate and distinct from those of other people. If I admire writers and consider their work wonderful it doesn't necessarily equate that I shouldn't write because I might not match their skill. Everyone starts somewhere, and every one of the writers I love had their own heroes who they looked up to. Instead of using them as an excuse to falter and postpone it is so much more useful to let them work as our motivation. 

Let go of the fear and think about where you could be if you worked harder and practiced more. And in this spirit, I'm going to try and actually get my thoughts on paper during the daytime for once.